ring candy

today i ate my first sucker in a long time. i don't remember enjoying it that much because it was gone in 2 minutes. what was strange about the experience was the candy's shape. it was a diamond-esque hard candy on a plastic ring. a candy that looks like a ring.

yesterday, my family was stranded in the white mountains of arizona. it was supposed to be a simple trip to the casino (to calm some urges) and to wash a bit of laundry. when my sister called and told me what happened, i was immediately angry. then she turned the phone over to my mother where she simply told me that they were having problems with the van, again. i immediately said bye.

the bye wasn't too good. i interjected some bullshit not caring anything about their well being or health. i said something shitty like, "what about the debt? you know this doesn't help any much." my mother replied calmly, "we're stupid." i said bye quickly. if it was possible, id slam the phone. i didn't. the phone wasn't built for slamming. and besides who slams the phone nowadays?

man,  i was so pissed i headed to my bedroom to lie down where i closed my eyes. deep inside. my heart, my head, and my eyes. it fucking hurt. i wanted to cry but i couldn't. because its ridiculous. my dad was always good to remind me that navajos shouldn't cry, unless you want to bring on something to you. and because you would only cry if someone died. but man it hurts. isn't that enough reason?

the year i thought would be much better. its been shitty so far. so many things so many problems. but for me ive been sensitive. i don't know. its just like that this time around.i guess you could say that there are too many things held inside of me. and i know that they're starting to eat at me. so what else to do? 

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. i say that desperately. why me, why us?

after lying on the bed, with my eyes closed, i went to sleep. sleep for me is a safe place. its a place where i can some peace from this manic disposition im in. its a place where i can dream and wish to have things be the way they should be. if not, there are nightmares. i don't mind having them compared to what i exaggerate to what i feel is one in my real life.

so, i slept for 25 minutes. yes it wasn't long, but it was long enough not to carry any guilt about having to sleep while my parents were working to making a van operable. i really felt bad about giving my folks a cold shoulder. they didn't deserve it. i mean it was all circumstantial. stuff like this happens. from there i grew up and gave them a phone call. my mother happily answered, giving me not a great news but one to work with where THINGS LIKE THIS DOES HAPPEN. to anyone.

so with that i will say, fuck it!!!

today i ate an apple candy that looked like a ring. i remember that for the taste - it tasted like green apple. but not the real kind. because real apples taste better. but then again, FUCK IT.